Just A Thought
Record Observer
When Searching For My Center Of Being, I Find Denial Works Best For Me
July 17, 2008
Rev. Regina Maria Cross
Recently I have found myself in a place of asking, “How do I find my center when all else around me seems anything but there?” I can’t help but remember a moment during the visitation hours of my father’s wake in our home when standing with friends saying the Rosary. A life long friend, Linda, whose father had passed years earlier, leaned toward my baby sister and me and whispered her words of wisdom: “I find denial works best for me.”
This past year has been a challenging one what with Gamma Knife surgery for two brain tumors, the diagnosis of partial epilepsy, the surrender of beginning seizure medication (all that alone will throw you for a loop), spiritually guided changes in my own work for humanity, the very intense and intimate death and dying journey of one of Light Paths, Centre For the Healing Arts longest studied students, election to the Board of Directors of my family’s business (did I mention family?), our Little Asti puppy, my sweet soul companion, passing from this physical world and the daily struggle to remember to take care of myself through it all. Certainly all this and less could tend to push one out of one’s center of being as any one point in changes in health, transitions of loved ones and involvement with a business run with differing value systems could do.
So, the question is, how does one remain centered, get back to one’s center, or possibly even realize they have a center anymore? There have been times this year I have actually thought as the neophyte I am, “Wait a minute, aren’t I suppose to be able to handle all this and more? After all, I am a graduate of Sancta Sophia Seminary, I am an Ordained Minister, I am a Reiki Master having studied and worked in the healing field for almost 30 years, and I am a certified counselor? Shouldn’t I just be all that all the time?” In the quiet I hear the answer, “You are.”
In the past my answer has been eat it up. No seriously, that was my answer. Eat it up, eat it all up and deal with it later. Well, what with the beginning of seizure medication I have already blown up like a tick and having developed love, care and respect for this Temple of God, my human body, the surrender into the arms of Little Debbie just doesn’t do it for me anymore. In fact, I have found a need of double counsel, both for co-dependency as well as resentment toward Little Debbie costly insurance co-pay. So, let’s not go there.
So, where do I go? One reservoir is the silence, meditation. I carve out a time, two, five, ten, twenty minutes daily just for myself often either with a pad and pencil or my computer on stand by as the flow of language healing through the thoughts, the tears and the flow of hope arises. Even though there have been days that for what ever imagined reason I could conjure, I did not meditate or pray, I have always, always found a quieter heart, a wiser mind and a higher spirit when I do, therefore a healthier physical body sitting and breathing than when I sat down to start.
Prayer is different than meditation. Prayer is the asking for healing, the asking for guidance and direction back to the center of being. Until recent years I had a very hard time with prayer. I was raised on memorization of prayer, although some very beautiful indeed, for the most part obligatory and needy. Even as a child, I shivered watching and listening to the blah, blah, blah of prayer being said in church as those speaking them paid little attention to their intention and more to the time of getting out. As a child I just talked. I talked to Jesus. I talked to my Guardian Angel. I talked to Mother Mary. I talked to God. I never questioned whether they heard me; I just always knew they did. In the last few years I have come to a very peaceful place somewhere between the discipline and the knowing.
Now, my joy is finding and using the very most perfect words from the mind of my heart to express the truth of my intention in my prayful request. I find it calms my beating heart, quiets my rapid breath, stills my hurting head, and allows the tears to flow into this place of comfort and possibly even the soulful memory of joy. In healing life after death of a beloved for me, it is easier (I didn’t say easy), to be in the joy of consciousness than happiness. As happiness is in the moment and that’s a real good thing, joy is, just is, always is whether we are there or not, even when life sucks, the consciousness of joy exist.
Being family raised (versus wolf) in the 1950’s and 60’s female very Roman Italian Catholic with southern and Irish motherly influences do you think it easy for me to ask for help? That very concept took years of Rebirthing. Well, now it is one of my centering maneuvers. Long ago in agreement with another we contracted each other as each other’s “Go To Person”. Your Go To Person is a most trusted friend, one you share life with, the good, the bad and the ugly, not someone you are just going to call when in need and dump upon. A Go To Person relationship is not one -way. Here’s the deal; Go To Persons have to tell you the truth even when you are crying your guts out and if the truth is already known all we do is be with each other and in that being, there is a healing. I am wholly and holy blessed in that my first Go To Person is my husband, Ken. He knows me as no one else walking this earth does, as I him. When I feel I am in need of another ear, (possibly because Kenny’s have curled inward from the sound of my dumping) maybe further validation or another opinion, shoulder to cry on, I do have another dearly loved soul sister I share my deepest and possibly most shallow self. In allowance with my Go To Persons after a good cry, a truth session, a loving hand held or voice of compassion, in this blessing, I do begin making my way back to center.
If I need to get away giving my tears away, I go to the ocean. I stand in the midst of its shoreline and shed my tears into its waiting pool. There I find centering with every wave of healing energy as if I were the only being on earth that this massive love of God knows exist. It pays attention to only me in the moment while doing the same for thousand around the world. I find inspiration centering.
Ya’ know all in all we all (I bet even the Pope, maybe even the Dali Lama) get off center sometimes. In fact, I’m thinking if one didn’t they would have no need of being here as they would have reached Nirvana, Heaven, the Great Beyond and would have no more need of these earthy human lessons.
One really big thing I have done for myself when off center and doing my very best (as I believe we all do no matter what it looks like in the moment) to get back is, let go of the guilt, the shame, the perfection of what I am suppose to look like for someone else.
Honey, I do cry in public now. Prior to my own forgiveness work, I would hold on to what someone else’s’ belief in my persona was. Guilt, shame, fear only exist for our own recognition that something needs our attention. Once that is acknowledged let go with a flow of tears (they cleanse the soul as well as the body), keep a tablet with you at all times just incase your very own inner wisdom shoots through with understandable language, sometimes joyfully rest in the need to be alone and always try to remember to retrain your self to be cared for by The Self.
It’s Just A Thought but doing our very best in the moment is the map quest toward the refinding of our center, our breath, the prana, which keeps us alive until we are not afraid to smile, to love, to laugh again and after this long journey in healing we find ourselves back home Self Centered, but remember in the meantime a little short term denial may be just as centering as the long term understanding.
Light Paths – Center For the Healing Arts and The Sophia School Of Wisdom, an accredited outreach center for Sancta Sophia Seminary, are nestled amongst 32 acres of woods only 3 miles from the town of Centreville. Classes are small, intimate and spiritually enriching as all are welcome in the Light of the classroom adjoining Rev. Cross’ home. For more information call 410-758-2579 or e-mail us at lightpaths@mac.com.
